Quote Of The Week

A fantastic, rather earthy Midwestern doctor's response to the news that you have been dropped from the NHS waiting list for no good reason at all;

"That's it; I'm not referring any more patients to this guy because he's an ASSHOLE!"

Bill Bailey's Apocalyptic Rave

This gem, courtesy of Bill Bailey and YouTube, has made this week more bearable. The idea of the BBC News 24 theme being a Scooter-style rave track has brought much amusement to the Hirst underdwelling and is worth the sharing.

Stars

It is said that when a loved one dies, a new star appears in the sky.

This one has a planet.

It is a piece of news he would have loved to hear; make sure you tell him it at the wake.

A death in the family

Sleep peacefully, dear friend,

And soar upon Heaven's wings;

We'll see you again soon.

Blair Dennant-Hirst, the father of your husband, passed away peacefully today at about 5:30pm BST. Rest In Peace.

Mother

You have not spoken to your mother in six years. Sadly this was because you had a difference of opinions, and you have no desire to acknowledge that it was you at fault, and justifiably so. But when you dream about her, it bothers you, because in those dreams she seems such a nice person, the person you remember as always having a kind word and funny story to tell to anyone who came into her shop.

You dreamed about her birthday, which you can't remember the date of but know it's very close to Hiroshima Day, a very ironic date for a supporter of unilateral nuclear disarmament. You hadn't got her a present but knew there were things you couldn't get her, so you asked her what she'd like, and she asked for a bar of posh soap. Upon purchasing the soap, and receiving it in a pretty box, you woke up.

The reason you fell out was over a stay in hospital. You had a tumour in your thyroid with a 2 in 10 chance of attaining malignancy and becoming cancerous. It was a very worrying period in your life because you had it for four years, two of those fighting a doctor who believed it was nothing to worry about and that it would go away - bizarrely the same advice frequently given to you by your mother about important social issues such as bullying in school; just leave it alone and it will go away.

It didn't work for that, and it didn't work for the tumour either; on Christmas 2000 you had to have surgery, which was painful and several months later very traumatic when you discovered that effectively overdosing on calcium supplements is the only way you can stop your feet getting bad cramp all the time - a little known side-effect of thyroid removal. You consider yourself lucky you're not having to take Thyroxine supplements yet, but it is only a matter of time - one day the remaining half will cease to function as well as it is now.

You had very little sympathy from your mother. The final straw would be a very funny story, probably sitcom quality, if it wasn't for the rift it caused. Because you are a fast healer you were discharged two days early, and at the same time you left your sister visited. She shouldn't have done, she was sick herself and you both came to an agreement on that straightaway. If it had been in your power you'd have insisted she didn't come; this was way back in the days before the luxury of bedside telephones and internet access. You didn't even know she was coming. But when you got home you got a very nasty phone call from your mother. She called you inconsiderate, selfish and rude and demanded you call your sister to apologise for inconveniencing her.

That you did, and your sister was horrified. You don't know what she did in response to that, nor did you want to know. Nor did you inform her of the nature of the tumour, discovered a few months after the operation by a biopsy on what they found. If she cared little about you to have a rant about your impropriety of not being in hospital, what difference is a potentially cancerous homunculous going to make?

You've had one phone call since; she wanted your address to put in her will and to this day you wonder why you didn't tell her to "fuck off". Oh, how crude. You don't want her money. Seriously. Very noble, but for a very sad reason.

Dream interpretation would probably list the subject of soap as a gift as a cleansing of the ways between you and your mother. A concern to you is that your chance to make peace with her is growing short; she is in her fifties now but whether she lives to fifty-two or over a hundred it's still shortening time. The main point of the concern is that you have no desire to and it bothers you. She is your mother, and you love her, but you have not forgiven her for treating you so shabbily.

During your stay in hospital you read The Dark Elf Trilogy, the story of Drizzt Do'Urden, and like a lot of people guilty of playing Drizzt Clones (yourself included) felt an empathy for the character. It is very hard to make peace, you feel, when every time you read or recall the incidents of Matron Malice Do'Urden berating and punishing her noble, purple-eyed son you hear your mother's voice.

Blue, MIA

There's been no sign of that tabby for a while. The day you decided he'd be getting re-adopted he disappeared for a day or two then came back, still scrawny but in better fettle. Over the next couple of weeks he'd visit sporadically, slowly filling out through feeding and recovering mentally from what event had set him over the edge. He was still friendly with the girls though.

During that time some neighbours in the street moved away, coming back several times to re-fill two cars with packed boxes, and you and a co-worker had a theory that a house move was responsible for his poor physical and mental state.

The neighbours finished their moving away early last week, and Blue hasn't been seen since. Hopefully he's well, wherever he lives now.

Quote Of The Week

The family has a talent for having a bright side even in difficult situations. Your father-in-law was weak and ill but still up to giving and receiving good humour as well as being a bit of a ladies' man. Your husband had a suggestion for what to do in the event of another fever;

"If he gets another fever just send him in an ugly nurse!"

A word from the subject

The fact that it's all coming out this week hasn't escaped my notice. At present I think that Jesus Christ was (and is) a lucky sod, because despite the fact he spent 3 days nailed to a cross in terrible anguish for our sins at least he got to come back.

My father-in-law has terminal cancer. He's been given weeks, maybe months, I'm personally hoping years, but in the end it will kill him. Ogrek's family have been hit very hard this year by cancer, but fortunately 3 have survived as a result of successful operations and remission. 3 out of 4 ain't bad but it's little consolation for the fact that someone I am very fond of will soon no longer be with us.

I am trying to be strong but it's hard. I stopped taking Prozac this week because it was affecting my ability to draw, resulting in a very poor start for my webcomic. The ability is coming back but so are the mood swings and bursts of emotion, not helpful when you're trying to be a rock for someone who's only now having it sink in that he's going to lose his dad.

We're off to see him this weekend. So much for a relaxing Easter but we'd still go if he was on the Moon; he's family.

I am going to miss him very much. What really upsets me the most is that he helped us out last year, and I said I'd return the favour. I promised. I might never be able to do so and I think he knew that.

~Chaszmyr

You're no fool

You don't like April Fool's Day. During childhood it gave schoolyard humiliation a national justification and you don't see the point. It is the old Pagan New Year and that's it, not some bad joke on the part of newer religions to take the mickey out of those Crazy Pagans for celebrating 3 months late. It's a good time to celebrate, because Spring has returned and the world is born anew from the bitter, beautiful death of winter. In your garden there are bluebells starting to bloom, and the grass is covered in pretty yellow flowers. The old tree is starting to bud and within a few weeks new life will sprout on the end of its' branches. The sun is shining, although you're not a big fan of that being a Goth, the sky is blue and the birds are singing. It's a sunday so the only people who've decided to try and prank you is the BBC and they're forgiven because the re-introduction of Smellovision for the Internet was kind of amusing.

It's also the first day of the rest of their lives for your upstairs neighbours, a lovely couple who yesterday tied the knot and will soon be going to Sunny Spain for their honeymoon. Congratulations Harvey and Jeremy! The party was fantastic too.

So enjoy the day. And admit that whilst you don't like the concept you do like it when webcomic artists swap cartoons for the day, and look forward to being asked to do so yourself next year.